Frustration to Fear

Another chaotic episode with the county.  It is taking me hours to recover from the experience.  Bottom line - this county worker should have denied me emergency assistance in March, because I didn't really have an emergency at that time.  Then, I could have filed again.  Instead, she goes through all this BS about my expenditures and whatnot, and tells me that she "has to" review everything before denying me (she tells me this today), and then later retracts this, saying that she can deny me now.  She doesn't need anything else for my food support (and she hasn't), and she says that "as of today," I will be open to all services available, and I can go apply for Emergency Assistance, but I need a letter saying I, specifically, am going to be evicted to bring with me.  So, I call my Landlord, inform her both times of both different stories, and then she puts a letter on my door that tells me to get out tomorrow.  Seriously, tomorrow.  How could anyone possibly vacate an apartment in one day?  I'd have to be superwoman, the bionic woman, and wonder woman all in one to do that.  Now, I realize they know I am applying for emergency assistance, and that emergency assistance will call them, but geez, it's still quite scary to get a letter on your door telling you to get out tomorrow.  It says that everything must be paid (including an 8% late charge), by tomorrow, or they will start legal eviction proceedings.  If emergency assistance doesn't help me, I am so screwed.  I have been waiting a month for food support that could have been calculated weeks ago, and to be told that I filed for emergency assistance too early, and I need to file again.  Mind you, the reason I filed when I did was because the Intake Coordinator for the county told me to check the box, and start the process.  Doing that put me behind the eight ball, not in front of it, and now I'm in a panic, and half way through April without rent money for May and without food still....Yesterday I ate 3 pancakes.  That's it.  It's ridiculous what one has to go through to get help.  I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and there is nothing I can do about it.  I really need them to pay two months, in order to give me a fighting chance to get back in balance after the last month, and to give me a little more time to find a job.  I can only hope and pray that I get a nice person when I go apply, and that they can see that I'm poor, need my housing, and have no alternative but to seek their help.  Does it really make sense to let me lose my housing, and then have to pay to house me in a shelter or something?  Maybe I wouldn't even be able to do that.  I don't know, but I do know that this experience is like so many other experiences I have had with the county.  It makes me crazy, and it makes me ill.  Both physically, and emotionally.

Now what? and Momm's Death

Okay, check this out.  First of all, my worker had apparently missed a meeting where they were given information on emergency assistance processing, and there are some new requirements that are going to make me ineligible this month for their help.  They have to have two months of information regarding all monies that were deposited into my account, and I have to prove that 50% or more of what I received went toward "daily living expenses," which doesn't count things like internet (which I need for school, because I take an on-line class), gas, or other living expenses such as debts that needed to be paid (unless it's a utility bill - gas or electric, water).  So, because I got my tax return during February, I will be ineligible for assistance.  Now, if I file again at the end of the month, the tax return won't count, because it will be longer than 60 days prior to filing that I received that.  So, here I am with the question, "Now what?"  I have used the other 2 available resources within the last year, so, unless I can get the Salvation Army to help me a couple of months early, I have no idea how I'm going to pay, and I will end up evicted.  On the bright side, I have an opportunity for a job that is right up my alley.  Being a caretaker/companion for seniors.  It makes me smile just thinking about it, and it reminds me of my mom.  After loving on and being with her so regularly, I am tickled by the "elderly personalities."  You all know what I mean.  The grandmas, the cranky ones, the lonely ones.  This job is so perfect for me that I feel it all the way down to my bones.  I feel meant to do this.  Somehow, it seems as if it will help me make peace with my own mom's death, as that has alluded me.  Taking care of a dying individual is a big responsibility, and I had no idea what I was doing.  Thank God there was a Hospice nurse that stopped in every day and answered my questions, as every day it was something new.  One day we were separating all her pills, 2 days later we were flushing them all down the toilet because she refused to take them anymore.  I had to tell her she was dying.  She would retreat into some special place that appears to be between death and here, and then would return.  Momma died on a Wednesday, and the Sunday before I had to have a hospital bed brought in, a commode, and a wheelchair.  It wasn't until Monday afternoon that she noticed the bed, and she asked me what happened, and why there was a hospital bed.  (She was adamantly against the bed by the way), and I got "the look" when I told her I had no choice.  But when she stopped me as I was wheeling her back to her bed and asked me what was going on, the only thing I could tell her was that she was dying.  I still remember the look on her face - it was one of annoyance for about 2 seconds, and then changed to one of acceptance.  It was 6 years ago today that she died, and I still struggle with it.  Even though I know I did the best I could given the circumstances, there are still things that I feel I didn't do well enough, and I feel guilty about it.  I know in my head that she doesn't mind, but there is a part of me that still remembers certain elements of the process, and my heart is still in pain over silly things; things like being in the living room and almost missing her passing, telling her what the Dr. said about how much time she had left, and then having her get mad at the Dr. for giving an estimate (by the way, it was 6 weeks).  Things like wondering if I should have told her she was dying, if I was taking good enough care of her, oh Lord, there are just things.  The biggest thing was that I  had no clue how to help someone die, and everything happened so fast (which was actually a blessing), that there were changes every day that I didn't understand..  On top of that there were a host of other situations going on in the house with me and my kids that nearly pushed me over the edge.  However, I survived, and now I am an orphan.  You wouldn't think that you would still feel like an orphan when your parents die in their 70's, but you do.

"Helpful" County Employees

I have something to say about working with County employees.  Over the course of the last 6 years, and through working at the food shelf in town, I have learned that there are certain characteristics that one can apply to most county financial workers.  Not all, but, as far as financial services (food support, medical assistance, emergency assistance), I have worked with exactly two people who actually made me feel like what was happening in my life mattered.  Frankly, I don't get it.  Why do they do this work if they don't care?  After my worker told me yesterday that she has 30 days to process an emergency assistance application, and that there are 40 applications ahead of me, I decided to do some investigating, because I  learned previously that  the County has five business days to process an emergency assistance application.  and I  talked to someone from HRA who confirmed what I thought -  5 days.  It appears senseless to request emergency (remember now - this is emergency) assistance if one has to wait 30 days for an answer, by then the emergency has either gotten worse, or can't be fixed.  What"s the point of even asking for it?  This request was for rent.  You are allowed to request help once a year, and I haven't needed to for a almost 3 years, but, obviously, I don't have a job at the moment..  Now, emergency assistance will pay a damage deposit and a first month's rent at the same time, but they won't pay two months of rent for me.  Seems like it would make more sense to pay two months, in order to give me more time to turn the situation around, and get back on track, than it does to pay one month, and end up leaving me no option but the street, or if I have mental health issues, a shelter.  Then we are talking about shelter, food, money, etc., - much more than 1 month of extra rent would cost, which would actually provide me with  a better opportunity to stay in my home..  I officially get enough in unemployment to pay the rent, but it leaves me about $100/month to live on, which is ridiculous and impossible - especially the longer my food support gets pushed out.. I can't use my money for rent if I have to buy food.  As usual with the county, it's a lose/lose proposition.  If I don't have rent money for next month, I don't have a place to live.  All of this just perpetuates and elongates the problem.  It's also more expensive, which, ultimately makes it kind of stupid, doesn't it?  People that don't care about people, and can't put themselves in somebody else's shoes shouldn't be working in this type of position.  This kind of job requires genuine caring and empathy.  This time I assessed my workers response to my needs, and decided to roll with it, telling myself "Okay, it's another one of these workers that doesn't care," and thought I'd just deal with it.  But you know what?  That just isn't who I am anymore.  I care about those I help, and I expect those who are there to help me to care about me..  I am a Human Services professional, and I refuse to accept this behavior from the county anymore.  I will let the world know.  I want the world to know.  This is not an isolated incident.  I've lost housing, medical insurance twice, and the list of struggles I encountered because of their lack of attention goes on.  In this case,  I attempted to contact her three times without a call back after I turned in ALL of my paperwork on March 19th, and her phone message says that she returns phone calls from 1:00 to 4:30 everyday.  Not to me.  So, I called again yesterday, as I am obviously concerned about my rent (considering it is now the 11th of April and I have no idea what she's going to do), and my well-being, because I don't have any food in the house, and I let her know that her failing to call me back was starting to "piss me off."  I knew I'd probably pay for it, but we are talking about my life here, not her schedule, and she wasn't returning my phone calls.  During the first two messages, I let her know that I had dropped off all required paperwork with my application on March 19th, that I did not have food in the house, and that I would not have the opportunity to purchase food within the next 2 weeks.  I was asking to move ahead since I had everything they needed, and really haven't had food in the house for a long time. In most cases, people don't know what the County needs, so they fill out an application, and then they either have to wait for a phone interview (mine wasn't until the 5th of April by the way), get told they need to provide a bunch of information, and then the case is put on hold longer).   The telephone interview was the only response my worker made to my phone calls, and my phone calls occurred in March.  In fact, she never even mentioned my phone calls, and asked me for things that I had already provided.  I, having applied for services enough times in the last 6 years know to send everything they need, and know what they need,  to determine if I qualify for services.  Now, I did my phone interview, and she informed me of a new law that requires me to get a form filled out by the financial aid office at my school before she can approve my food support.  Obviously, had she returned either one of phone calls I had made by that time, I may have been able to pick up the form and have it back to her by the time of the phone interview.  Now for today.  Because I don't believe what my worker is telling me, (which is pretty sad in itself),  I called the intake specialist to ask her what the rule is and the first thing out of her mouth was "Who's your worker?" Then she wouldn't answer the question.  All I wanted to know was how long they are supposed to have to process an emergency assistance application - 5 days, or 30 days?  She absolutely would not answer me.  It was almost like she was afraid to say anything.  She immediately referred me to my worker's supervisor, and would not answer my question.  What's the big deal?  I mean, is it a secret?  Or just another way that they cover each other's behinds.  Furthermore, the "supervisor will get back to me within 24 hours (which she actually did, but I wasn't here).  I was trying to avoid contact with the "worker's supervisor" because of the two experiences I previously had with the supervisors of two different county employees. In both cases, while it was clear that the employee didn't do their job, and that they had made a mistake, the supervisors backed up their employee.  In other words, it was a waste of time, and clearly, protecting the employee was more important than doing the right thing..  I will say that the Supervisor that called me back sounded nice, and I gave her the information I was concerned about in the message I left her, so she knew what my concerns are, and still presented in her message as friendly.  So, maybe she's one of the rare few that will have empathy, and will care.  Honestly, I have seen almost no empathy from most of the financial workers I have talked to over the years, and this encompassed workers in two counties, so I don't think it is a one county issue, and I certainly know that it is not rare.  It is the norm.  It is actually part of the reason I started this blog.  I want to expose it.  It will be interesting to see what the supervisor says tomorrow.  During my phone interview last Thursday,  my worker said she needed but 2 pieces of paper to complete the process, (which I took care of right away).  Then she tells me yesterday that she has 40 cases ahead of me.  How is that?  If she has gotten to the interview process, how can she have 40 cases ahead of me?  That doesn't even make sense, unless she put me at the bottom of the pile because she needed a piece of paper from my school.  I would certainly hope not, especially considering the length of time I have already been waiting.  Frankly, I'm hungry, and I don't have food.  I need the food support and I need it now, not 40 cases from now..  I am strong enough today to stand up against this kind of social injustice, and I'm going to do it.   In fact I WANT to make a big deal out of it.   I have seen it over and over again.over the last several years, and it is absolutely inconceivable to me that someone's  homelessness means so little to the person that has been assigned to help them.. If these people were working for me they would be fired immediately. There should be a "zero tolerance" policy on this issue. This behavior should actually be considered an abuse of power, and  result in immediate dismissal, especially when one expresses their frustration, and then is "made to pay" by being required to jump through extra hoops,  by requring items that aren't really needed, or, apparently, in the case of the new laws this year (including the financial aid information they wanted from my school), the workers are not allowed to hold up food stamps for the document.  Interesting.  This is what another worker in the same office told somebody else I know.  Yet, that is exactly what my worker is doing. in my case.  The story that "they see so many people that are trying to abuse the system that they get cynical, blah, blah, blah," is just an excuse to judge people,  and to use the employee's power against people in need..  Any thoughts anyone?  I want to hear from everybody!  I know I am not alone.  This experience of learning to live without things that I once took completely  for granted, and thought of as something I would never need to worry about having (like food or toilet paper) for more than 40 years is an experience that is happening to people all over our country, and has completely upended people's lives.  It has been devastating for me, and has changed me in ways that have changed the core of who I am.  Now, I experienced more than financial devastation over the last 6 years, and much of it simultaneously, but that's not for this discussion.  The point is, I know I'm not the only one, and I'm inviting ANYONE who has something to say about this subject to post a comment.  I think we need to open the door to conversation about this controversial subject, and that it's about time to talk about what it has really been like, and to let the powers that be know.  Can't do it alone so, share your stuff!  Until tomorrow,

Back on the air!

Oh good, my blog is back!  I couldn't get on for some strange reason...... but I'm back!  Right now I am dealing with trying to find a job, fighting for unemployment, and trying to get benefits from the county.  Let me tell you a little about what it's like to deal with the county.  First of all, there are those workers who care about their clients and who are concerned about helping them as quickly as possible.  However, in my experience, there aren't many of those.  Most of them just seem not to care.  I filed for emergency assistance to help pay my rent this month on the 19th of March.  Applications for emergency assistance are supposed to be processed within 5 days.  I provided the county with every proof they needed (to try and speed up and ease the process), and yet, despite 2 phone calls to my "worker"  explaining that I applied for emergency assistance with my application, that it's for my rent, and could we please hurry the telephone interview so this can be completed.  I received no call back (which is no surprise), and got a letter stating that my "phone interview" would be on April 5th.  Okay, so by the 5th of the month, without the rent being paid, I am assessed a $50 late charge.  In addition to this, she informs me during the phone interview that the "rules have changed," and I now need to send a form to my school and have them fill it out before I can get food support.  I faxed the form to the college, and asked them to fill it out right away, to which they replied that it takes 24 to 48 hours to process and return.  Okay, great.  Now I'm still going to have an empty refrigerator.....through Easter.....and beyond.  Now, there are those of you who would say....Well, you ARE going to get help, so what are you complaining about?  First of all, I still don't know if they are going to help me with my rent or not, and even if they do, I will have to pay a $50 late fee, because the county sure isn't going to pay it - even though they had my information in plenty of time to make a decision about it.  Second, and more important is the irony that when it comes to customer service, we all expect to be "served" as a customer with the utmost attention to our concern.  However, when it comes to needing and asking for help, we can expect nothing of the sort.  In fact, we should just be grateful that the help is available at all, and we have no right to complain.  I would venture to say that those of you who feel this way have never been unable to put food in your home.  First of all, I lost my job on February 13th, and I was only earning $10.50 an hour.  If it isn't apparent by those two facts alone I'll make it clear.  For nearly two months, I have been unable to buy any groceries - ANY groceries.  If my friends hadn't fed me during this time, I would have been in serious trouble.  Furthermore, I was only earning  j-u-s-t  e-n-o-u-g-h to put me over the limit for help, but not enough to live on.  Apparently, had I made about $100 less per month, they would have considered my rent payment in determining food support.  But, because I "made too much," they wouldn't account for my rent, so I was ineligible for help.  As a result, it has been a loooong time since I've been able to go into a grocery store, and just shop for what I need.  Never in my life did I expect to ever be in this position.  I couldn't even have imagined it 10 years ago.  Yet, I've been living like this since 2006.  Six years of being unable to buy food.  Just because I am asking for help does not mean that I should be expected to "take what I can get," and that I should accept bad service from my the county. I don't understand what it is with these employees, but I've seen it over and over again.  The first time I was ignored cost me a place to live.  It has cost me that twice, plus the loss of health insurance twice.  However, over the years, as I have had to request help on and off, I have found that it's useless to complain, and it's useless to expect any better from these people. This time, I simply realize that I have one of those workers who doesn't give two hoots about their clients' needs, and I'll just deal with it.  It's taken a long time to get to this place, and, believe me, I've been so angry at the county in the past that I even called a lawyer once to see if I could sue them!  Now, the job search is a job search.  It sucks, hopes are risen and then dashed, etc., just like anybody else who is looking for work, so I won't go into that.   Those of you who have been unemployed (and that includes at least 8% of you), know what it's like to find a job.  Unemployment, on the other hand, is a different matter; especially when the employer wants to fight the claim.  I filed my claim on February 14th, and, after a back and forth scenario with the State and my employer, I was found eligible for benefits, and received my first payment on March 14th.  It took a month.  Since my last paycheck came on the 17th of February, that was another time period during which I did not have any income.  Now my employer has filed an appeal.  If you could see me, you'd see me rolling my eyes at this news.  I am not surprised.  I worked for somebody who provided only what he was forced to as far as his employees are concerned, and, as a result, has a revolving door when it comes to employee retention.  Fortunately for me, I still get paid during the process, because I was found eligible.  Unfortunately for my employer, I know unemployment law.  I worked in a service firm that offered a service to employers to help them keep their unemployment tax rates down, and I did it for 13 years.  I went to hearings, taught policies and practices, answered claims, and tracked tax data, making recommendations to keep the tax rate down.  Because of this, I know that an employer can't just hand out warnings like candy, and expect to win unemployment claims.  They probably have, but because the employees didn't know how to fight.  Well, I do, and I know what misconduct is, and what misconduct isn't, and I was NOT fired for misconduct (despite what they say), so, despite their filing of the appeal, I'm not afraid.  I should be, because if I lose I will be cut off, and I will have to pay back what I've been paid.  However, the hearing isn't until the 23rd, and following that the Judge has 30 days to make a decision (which they usually take), so I feel pretty safe for right now.  Hopefully, I'll have a job by then, because if I don't get one soon I won't be able to pay May's rent, and emergency assistance will only help with April.  $223/week doesn't go very far when you have a $687 rent payment. However, it's very important to me to be able to fulfill my obligations to my lease.  I do not want to be evicted, and I do not want to move.  What I really want is to find a job that pays me enough to live on.  Is that too much to ask?